So this is a very odd position and feeling. I’m not sure how to react. I’m not sure if I should be worried…so, I’m in this weird state…it’s almost a detached curiosity—like I’ve found an oddity, a rose crowning a desert dune.

Hell, I have been trying to decide how to share the new situation with people as this could be most bad actually, but it's uncertain and I don't want a lot of melodrama.

It is important to note that this doesn't have to be super serious, and it may be a blip, but the worse case scenario is most bad. I'll have to see what the test at the end of the month ends up showing.

Anyway, I've put off buying anything until that test; as it may be, well, pointless (I almost made 2 major game buys this weekend, but decided that I really shouldn’t). I even just passed up on 2 very great sale opportunities...hopefully, I'll regret that. :)

Instead, I’ve been writing on the side. Redoing, re-planning the independent film (after a test I did on the sly, I came up with some good results and some major faults…a blog coming on that later). I’m working on my game design and I’ve been plotting out the novels (series) I’m planning and have underway; and, I even have had a couple of short stories pop up into mind…is this all too late though? Will my stories pass with me unbreathed?

I don’t know, I hope not. Just send me out some good vibes, thoughts, and prayers to whatever faiths are yours.

Instead of dancing around it more, here's the low down: my blood work showed my liver throwing off growth markers. How they know that, I have no idea.

It may be a blip, it may not be anything. If it is the worse case scenario, it is cancer and tumor growth.

Now, it is extremely rare for cancer in the liver to be the primary manifestation of the cancer. It's usually the secondary or tertiary manifestation after the cancer has metastasized. I have not, as of yet (and hopefully none of us ever will be), been diagnosed with cancer in any form. Why do I have fear then?

• My buddy died from this a couple of years back.
• My Grandmother passed from it when I was younger.

The news, and the reactions of the doc/nurses…was a bit alarming (and it came in the middle of major work stress, deadlines, Bruno's health, and the money pressures...ouch).

Worse? I can feel a pressure on my right side that I was aware of for quite awhile but didn’t note in any real way. See, it’s a pressure, not pain. It’s dull and I’d thought it was from sitting funny a lot (I tend to rest on my right elbow), bad posture, and abdominal exercises.

This may not be anything or related in anyway, but I don’t like the seeming correspondence one bit at all.

Here's what's also odd and set off the alarms: My Doctor is a very good one, and a very good guy, so the reaction I got from him was alarming. He was very low key, but you could clearly tell from the nurses--and his delivery--that there is…well, marked concern.

They have asked me to follow a very strict diet—basically meat and water truthfully. I was specifically to be no carb (not low carb) if possible for a month and then we'll retest. No alcohol either of course until the test. I shall be drinking lots of coffee, tea (Roibos and Green), and trying to do anything asked to hopefully help the coming test on August 28^th.

They have asked me to do that because when I'd done Atkins before, I lost a ton of weight and it completely changed my blood work…stunningly so.

In my personal case, Weight Watchers did not affect my blood work in any way and I always found that odd. It’s a very healthy plan and I encourage it, but for me--for whatever reason--Weight Watchers was awesome for about 8 months and then it stopped cold…never did affect my blood work though, and I was working out, staying on the plan religiously (I’m very good with instructions)…anyway, I’d stayed on Weight Watchers for another year after though, trying to get it to fire up. It never did.

So I switched to Atkins and the low carb lifestyle. In this one case, in the time I did Atkins, my triglycerides went from having me in the 1% group (read that as the death group) to completely normal. I lost a ton of weight (hit 200lbs, the goal weight).

Why did I stop? Meat. I got sick as hell of it. I burnt out. I gained my weight back. I have no idea why carbs would affect me so badly, but it appears they may. I’ve never eaten badly ever, in fact I barely eat much calorie wise (and when I start any diet, I have to eat way more than I usually do…too much work, not enough health).

Anyway, this very strict new diet for the test kind of sucks as I'm not a huge meat eater on the whole. I'm not vegetarian, but I lean that way (aside from ribs or steak now and again); let me tell you, eating this much meat is hard!

But, I will do whatever is needed. Wish me luck.

If it is cancer and I'm at the lip of my 6 feet, I'll fight as long and hard as I can, but I've yet to see anyone win that battle. I've seen how horrid it gets 3 times in my personal life.

However, I'm not a pessimist; I'm very much an optimist. It will all be due to cheap beer and the blood work will even out.

If it ends up being worse case I will sell almost everything or give it away. I've even been thinking that I could donate everything to a group like big brothers/big sisters, or ask the Source to maintain the library and have open active gaming--in the community...at library events or schools and such--and to advance gaming in the world; I'd simply ask them to maintain the collection and to celebrate a June 8th, “J game day” if I were to pass.

So—if I’m this flaunted optimist--why am I thinking about the rest? It's the strategist in me, the realist, the planner--one must have contingency plans as best as one can. You must be able to roll.

I tell you this in all honesty; this has been an amazingly horrid couple of years. Amazing testings, challenges, stresses, heartbreaks, tears, and yet…through it all…hope, love, and laughs.

Most have been around a table with friends and loved ones over dinner or sharing some game time together.

Live well, laugh often, love much, and hope,

--Jason Henke