Jason Henke's Space

So this is a very odd position and feeling. I’m not sure how to react. I’m not sure if I should be worried…so, I’m in this weird state…it’s almost a detached curiosity—like I’ve found an oddity, a rose crowning a desert dune.

Hell, I have been trying to decide how to share the new situation with people as this could be most bad actually, but it's uncertain and I don't want a lot of melodrama.

It is important to note that this doesn't have to be super serious, and it may be a blip, but the worse case scenario is most bad. I'll have to see what the test at the end of the month ends up showing.

Anyway, I've put off buying anything until that test; as it may be, well, pointless (I almost made 2 major game buys this weekend, but decided that I really shouldn’t). I even just passed up on 2 very great sale opportunities...hopefully, I'll regret that. :)

Instead, I’ve been writing on the side. Redoing, re-planning the independent film (after a test I did on the sly, I came up with some good results and some major faults…a blog coming on that later). I’m working on my game design and I’ve been plotting out the novels (series) I’m planning and have underway; and, I even have had a couple of short stories pop up into mind…is this all too late though? Will my stories pass with me unbreathed?

I don’t know, I hope not. Just send me out some good vibes, thoughts, and prayers to whatever faiths are yours.

Instead of dancing around it more, here's the low down: my blood work showed my liver throwing off growth markers. How they know that, I have no idea.

It may be a blip, it may not be anything. If it is the worse case scenario, it is cancer and tumor growth.

Now, it is extremely rare for cancer in the liver to be the primary manifestation of the cancer. It's usually the secondary or tertiary manifestation after the cancer has metastasized. I have not, as of yet (and hopefully none of us ever will be), been diagnosed with cancer in any form. Why do I have fear then?

• My buddy died from this a couple of years back.
• My Grandmother passed from it when I was younger.

The news, and the reactions of the doc/nurses…was a bit alarming (and it came in the middle of major work stress, deadlines, Bruno's health, and the money pressures...ouch).

Worse? I can feel a pressure on my right side that I was aware of for quite awhile but didn’t note in any real way. See, it’s a pressure, not pain. It’s dull and I’d thought it was from sitting funny a lot (I tend to rest on my right elbow), bad posture, and abdominal exercises.

This may not be anything or related in anyway, but I don’t like the seeming correspondence one bit at all.

Here's what's also odd and set off the alarms: My Doctor is a very good one, and a very good guy, so the reaction I got from him was alarming. He was very low key, but you could clearly tell from the nurses--and his delivery--that there is…well, marked concern.

They have asked me to follow a very strict diet—basically meat and water truthfully. I was specifically to be no carb (not low carb) if possible for a month and then we'll retest. No alcohol either of course until the test. I shall be drinking lots of coffee, tea (Roibos and Green), and trying to do anything asked to hopefully help the coming test on August 28^th.

They have asked me to do that because when I'd done Atkins before, I lost a ton of weight and it completely changed my blood work…stunningly so.

In my personal case, Weight Watchers did not affect my blood work in any way and I always found that odd. It’s a very healthy plan and I encourage it, but for me--for whatever reason--Weight Watchers was awesome for about 8 months and then it stopped cold…never did affect my blood work though, and I was working out, staying on the plan religiously (I’m very good with instructions)…anyway, I’d stayed on Weight Watchers for another year after though, trying to get it to fire up. It never did.

So I switched to Atkins and the low carb lifestyle. In this one case, in the time I did Atkins, my triglycerides went from having me in the 1% group (read that as the death group) to completely normal. I lost a ton of weight (hit 200lbs, the goal weight).

Why did I stop? Meat. I got sick as hell of it. I burnt out. I gained my weight back. I have no idea why carbs would affect me so badly, but it appears they may. I’ve never eaten badly ever, in fact I barely eat much calorie wise (and when I start any diet, I have to eat way more than I usually do…too much work, not enough health).

Anyway, this very strict new diet for the test kind of sucks as I'm not a huge meat eater on the whole. I'm not vegetarian, but I lean that way (aside from ribs or steak now and again); let me tell you, eating this much meat is hard!

But, I will do whatever is needed. Wish me luck.

If it is cancer and I'm at the lip of my 6 feet, I'll fight as long and hard as I can, but I've yet to see anyone win that battle. I've seen how horrid it gets 3 times in my personal life.

However, I'm not a pessimist; I'm very much an optimist. It will all be due to cheap beer and the blood work will even out.

If it ends up being worse case I will sell almost everything or give it away. I've even been thinking that I could donate everything to a group like big brothers/big sisters, or ask the Source to maintain the library and have open active gaming--in the community...at library events or schools and such--and to advance gaming in the world; I'd simply ask them to maintain the collection and to celebrate a June 8th, “J game day” if I were to pass.

So—if I’m this flaunted optimist--why am I thinking about the rest? It's the strategist in me, the realist, the planner--one must have contingency plans as best as one can. You must be able to roll.

I tell you this in all honesty; this has been an amazingly horrid couple of years. Amazing testings, challenges, stresses, heartbreaks, tears, and yet…through it all…hope, love, and laughs.

Most have been around a table with friends and loved ones over dinner or sharing some game time together.

Live well, laugh often, love much, and hope,

--Jason Henke

With Facebook, Twitter, Windows Live, Blogger.com, and perhaps Wordpress in the near future…I really feel a need to tie everything together to keep my updates from becoming my second job. I'm trying to reduce the time demand needed for hitting and updating all of these spots because I want to focus on my desired secondary projects (the short film, the stories, the game design, the art) and studies for my profession (lots to read about in the field…never ends, always in flux).

Hopefully Window’s Live Writer can help me in that goal. It’s good that my Facebook and Twitter are linked, it’s good in a number of ways…I just don’t wish to spend all my time blogging. I want to write creatively as well.

Blogging, or social networking, can take so much time out of your day…

The other day (Tuesday I think), I was catching up with my friend Robert at work. We were just chit chatting...not really about anything in particular, but I did assure him that his 8 year old daughter is much too ugly and will never have a date (the truth: she's darling, cute, and she's going to have boys all around her like seals barking for bits thrown from the zoo rails); an aside to Mike and John, you're both in the same boat!

This came up because Robert had a new picture of his daughter sitting on his desk.

My God, these kids grow up much too fast. I don't have any, may never have any now at my stage of life, but I feel the parent's sadness at how fast they grow up. It's amazing, gratifying, and heartbreaking all at once. Love is a complex ain't it? Yes, I mean a complex.

Robert's going to have to start practicing breaking down, oiling, and refitting the pistol so that he's in practice (this is the way he's planning on meeting her future gentlemen callers). If I put myself in his place, John's place, or Mike's place...I totally understand where they're coming from!

Anyway, somewhere in this conversation we got to recalling "the old days" as is a the won't of us cube dwellers of middling years whose suns may have taken the first step off the zenith. He's just picked up an old school Jeep Wagoneer and was thinking--well, dreaming--of putting in a floor mounted 8 track! I love it. While vinyl is making a nostalgic come back (spin those platters boys and girls!) and the pop of needles hitting the groove still exists, I think 8 tracks may be a lost cause, but I hope he goes for it. I just don't know how much Willy Nelson one  can handle...

I now have images of Robert tooling down Snelling, Meerschaum pipe in hand, singing along to some 70's vibes (till the tape slips into the other side's track midway through) in his wood paneled beaut.

Anyway, in the midst of this conversation and remembrance I pulled another folrid quote from my ass...one of those good sounding but goofy things I like to throw out, "Memories are the strongest perfume of life."

Something like that at least...I'd edit it to, "Memories are the perfume of life."

Robert laughed and said something like, "Oh, you!"

Which made me laugh as well. I mean it is over the top in today's verbiage, but still...those things stick with you.

"Is that a quote or did you make it up?"

"I pulled it from my butt."

We chuckled. I like to drop lines like that sometimes. Those goofy lines pop into my head and they're fun and often just meant for humor, but you know what? They stay with you and get quoted.

Besides, it kind of keeps the writer and creative in me alive in the monotony of 3/4 padded cube walls; walls that prove that I'm not wholly insane (they use full padded chambers for that), but that I am slipping...

P.S. Personally, I suspect I'd have been a pretty decent dad...maybe like Steve Martin in A Simple Twist of Fate (1994) ... but the reality is that I'm much more like Johnny Depp in Finding Neverland (2004) (the summary makes him look like a good guy who is good with kids...kids love me; I'm like Sweetums from the Muppets: big, goofy, and soft)...the kids would have lots of imagination, we'd fight dragons in many lands, and we'd find many jewels when we climbed the ladder down from the horizon's ledge into the dark lands and lost kingdoms below. But that's neither here nor there...I suspect I shall mirror too much of Shadowlands (1993) and C.S. Lewis...I'll weep like a baby next time I see that...time to watch Die Hard! What kind of Panzy ass am I now! LOL!

P.S.S. My birthday cometh...The date of Doom: June 8th...Another letter on the tombstone. Some good dinners come with it though...and good times with friends...

Have a great day ,
Jason Henke

This is from an email to a buddy. I like the sentiment, but it is very nostalgic in flavor. I'm posting this just because the images in the writing kind of stuck with me after I'd sent it.

The sad part is--and I blame it on lack of sleep and not enough caffeine--is that I had totally spaced typing in one very important invitee: Piper (his daughter)!!!

Oh, my Lord...how on earth did I miss that when I read it before sending? What a horrible thing to miss. I thought I had typed it, but I honestly never noticed her name missing in the reads before sending...sometimes your brain just sees what isn't there.

I felt horrible when I realized Piper was missing when John replied...he didn't take the oversight bad or anything, it just hit me like the proverbial truck when he said he'd bring Piper and that she'd love it...then I re-read the email I'd sent...it should be right in there (it's not)...oh Jason (!!)...dumb ass....yes, Victoria, I am an idiot.

I had looked both ways before stepping into the street--in some way I had to have seen the truck, with it's headlights on, barreling down at me and honking...and yet I blithely stepped out to quickly join the splatted bugs on its windshield. All because, in my mind's eye, I saw only open road...

This is why in Marketing/Advertising/Creative writing...you should always have an uninvolved party go over your text...I should hire an editor for my emails apparently. Gods man...

Here's the email, I'm calling it "American Summers" because I miss this and I hope kids are still able to do this. I hope it's not just regulated to the memories of my generation and before...if so, may the literature we leave for them keep the golden rays of sun, the pollen in the air, the heat of the pavement, and the indescribable flavor of neon blue slushy alive for those who follow...

In case I forget to mention it Thursday, we need to hit the Source w/Robert and Elanor in a couple of weeks…She needs to know the real world: Real Sugar Cane Pop (Double-Cola, Ski, Gem Cream Soda), Moon Pies (Vanilla, Chocolate, Orange), comics (Kaiju and Horses both), and—if they still exist—bubble gum loaded trading cards.

We’ll buy some stuff and sit on the curb outside—thumbing through cards, flipping pages, and drinking pop—a true American summer. The only thing missing would be our bikes haphazardly scattered on the ground around us sunning their bellies, waiting to chop the wind in their spokes again when we race to the dirt lot to hit balls.

This will be a blast when we can do it. The pop will be ice cold and in glass bottles. I can not tell you how happy I am to have those real flavors back sans the taste of plastic bottle and the tang of metal cans on your tongue.

--Jason Henke

My first question: How is the economy treating everyone, how are you holding up?

Me?

Pretty much the same as most I guess: tight money, job worries, bills suck, and my budget blows. But don't get me wrong, not all is black and dark. I'm still having fun, goofing around, playing, and smiling. I'm just ready for the tightening to loosen up (don't think that will happen soon though).

Work? Busy as Hell.

The update: They halved our teams in the layoffs and reorganization, they have now asked for 150% more productivity (with half the people? ouch.), and they have recently warned us we may not get any raises this year...if we do, they'll be paltry.

The lack of pay increase is tough (and halves what I got last year...we've been behind the cost of living for a long time as well), but the news wasn't unexpected by me. It's OK though--I kept my job and benefits.

Still, it's been hectic and I don't feel totally safe yet. I kind of expect another round of layoffs if the economy stays so black--our team is poised for easy cutting and outsourcing if they decided to do so.

This all said, my new manager, my team, and the overall work environment have continued to be great; it's odd to have the stress and still have a great morale and team environment--it rocks. This was most pleasant coming out of the huge changes we all went through.

Personal life?

I've been real busy as a social butterfly (I'm going out too much), with networking, with creative community/project building, and yet I've even been taking more time to hole up and deflate; I call it "going dark"--I go offline (cell, net, etc.), shut down the computers, phones, and I kick back and try to recharge the sanity batteries. Maybe I'll throw on some nondescript music in the background, but mostly I'll just sip some wine or other notable libations as I read, write, or solo game.

I've also started some side projects that I've had on the burner for a while and I'm starting to get back into some creative endeavors...I've even started dreaming of unknown blonds. :o)

This is because of my insomnia treatment.

Traditionally, I don't even go for blonds really...do I? I should evaluate that.

This year (since last March), has been horrid. I've averaged 3-4 hours of sleep. I'm most often up by 2AM-3AM and don't fall asleep until 11PM. This gets me into work by 4AM most days and I stay until 2:30PM.

Believe it or not, I'm holding up well, but it does kick my ass at times. I have a lot of sleep deprivation experience after 22 years. It sucks, but I can function thanks to the glorious caffeine molecule (or is it a compound? I have to look that up).

Anyway, they recently took me off of a sleep medicine they'd had me on for years; I was having side affects I didn't know about--never felt sick though. Once off, I started dreaming occassionally. I haven't had a real dream in years. So, what's the first dream of a guy? unknown mystery girls. Big surprise! LOL!! :o)

It's pretty funny, because I'm not even looking for any!

Being off the medication has also brought me significant weight loss--just by stopping. 20 pounds gone so far. How crazy is that? I barely eat and had been gaining weight all year. It was most odd. I had no clue it was a side effect.

We stopped the medicine because it didn't seem to be helping anymore even though we upped the dosage during the crazy months where I was in layoff limbo. My sleep pattern hadn't changed and I wasn't seeing results.

More treatment to come, I'm being sent to a new specialist at the U. I just want some more normal hours and a bit more energy.

So there ya go, there's my personal update. What do you all have going on?

Thanks for the times and conversations!
--Jason Henke